Greatness of our God

Last night was one of the scariest nights of my life yet when I look back and even in the midst of it, I can say I had a peace that can only come from the Lord. Here's the story, I had to write about it because I knew I would forget so much if I waited (me and my awesome memory!)...

5:40 The girls and I were at Brrrberry Yogurt setting up balloons for my friend Shelley's 30th surprise party. I suddenly felt something was not right and after going to the bathroom I realized I was bleeding. (sorry if this gets a little detailed) I forgot I had promised them yogurt, so after a quick grab of cups and toppings we were out the door. I was becoming a little panicked as I phoned the doctors office and waited for the on-call doctor to return my message. I have had 2 healthy pregnancy's with no complications but oversized infants trying to make their way into the world! So, for me, this is way out of the ordinary and my mind immediately started running in 1,000 different directions. The only thing that could come from my mouth was "I trust you God, I trust you God". I must have repeated it over and over and over, claiming it every time the words were spoken.

5:50 The on call doctor said it was no "rush" but that I should make my way to the ER to be seen. With a whole bunch of other talk about what it could or couldn't be and that no matter what happens, there was nothing I could do, it wasn't my fault, etc. etc. Not the most encouraging conversation. And, I'm sorry, but we were going to get there ASAP...it was a RUSH for this momma!

Somewhere between that phone call and arriving home I managed to take care of plans for the rest of the party, call some friends to start praying and find a place for the girls to stay while Ryan and I went to the hospital. My neighbor Tammy took the girls without a hesitation and made me feel completely comfortable that they would be well taken care of, loved on and have fun on top of it! I know I really freaked Avery out on the way home - I was crying and praying and explaining what was going on to friends and doctors. I wanted her to pray and to know that Mommy was praying and even though the situation was scary that God was in complete control (not sure you can convey that point to a 6 year old, but it's just what I felt was right).

6:30 Ryan and I are on our way to the hospital and I was scared! Our pastor preached on praising the Lord at all times recently and the only thing I thought to do was turn on a song, to keep my mind from wondering to the absolute worst thing possible. I had so much running through my mind - "We've seen this baby on Ultrasound, would you really take it from us now Lord? I've got 3 very good friends all due within a few short weeks of me, Is that going to be my reminder of what could have been? Why had we already told people? Why had we told the girls? We should have waited until after the 1st trimester? The girls will not understand and be devastated. Did you give this gift to us only to take it away it way? How long would it take to get pregnant again?" I was real and honest with God. I trusted Him but I was scared and all those thoughts would not leave my mind. I wanted them to, at least for a minute or two.

One of my favorite singers, Natalie Grant came up on the playlist and I clicked on her song "Greatness Of Our God". Oh, just what I needed. Oh the Lord knew, just what I needed.  The second verse says

Give me grace to see beyond this moment here

To believe that there is nothing left to fear

That you alone are high above it all 

And you my God are greater still

As we arrived at the hospital the seriousness of what was happening began to overwhelm me. What was happening God? Why me? Why now?

We checked in, tried to wait patiently and began to get texts and phone calls from dear friends. Friends that I knew needed to know about the situation and could approach the throne of the one true Healer. I needed to know that when I didn't know the words to speak that I had intercessors there for me. Typing this now brings tears to my eyes because for the first time in my adult life I think I really felt like being completely vulnerable with people. I didn't care who knew, what they knew but just that they would pray. Oh, I needed those prayers. 

Over the next two hours my bleeding slowed to barely a spotting. By the time we were called back almost 4 hours later, I really hadn't noticed much blood in the last hour. I had no other symptoms and this made Ryan and I both very hopeful. I can remember feeling an overwhelming peace in the midst of my fear. I knew whatever the outcome that night that God was there with us, that he was going to take good care of us either way. Ryan felt it too and we talked about it at some point during our wait and I think that eased both of our worried and tired minds. 

At around 10:00 I was called into an ER "room". At least it had a bed! I was so tired of trying to make a chair a bed in the waiting room. I laid down and let my body rest. Over the next 3 hours I had a few different exams, blood tests and even a very detailed ultrasound (both inside and out, if you must know specifics! haha). My ultrasound was at 12:15 am and it was then that we were finally able to see and hear the baby's heartbeat and see the little miracle moving around inside my belly! THANK YOU GOD!!! THANK YOU GOD!!! Ryan immediately texted friends and family that the baby was fine.  I could tell he was so relieved, I remember the look on his face as he stared at the ultrasound waiting to see something that made sense to him. He finally asked the technician and she said, "Yes, that's your baby, heartbeat and all!" The two ultrasounds lasted a good 45-1 hour. We were exhausted! They wheeled me back into my room and we waited for the results.

At around 2:45, the ER doctor came in and said that I had a subchorionic hemorrhage. Not much more details were given to us, except that we were to go home, rest and call my Dr. on Monday morning oh and to return if bleeding became worse. Okay, really? I mean honestly, Ryan and I were so tired that the few questions that we did ask weren't super important ones but according to the ER Dr it wasn't his "specialty" and if I had questions I should call my OB because they would know. Wow! Okay, so we left the hospital feeling very relieved that we had a healthy baby but a little scared about the diagnosis. 

I try to stay off the internet but did look up a couple of cases of this in other people. It is the most common reason for bleeding in the first trimester (besides miscarriage). So knowing that made us feel better. 

We decided to put me on strict bed rest for the entire weekend and until I can get into see my doctor. So, that's what I've been doing. Laying in bed. Not so fun but it's been kind of overcast and yucky outside so it's made it a little easier. 

I believe God brought us this far to display His glory. I will do my best to make sure that he gets honor for bringing us through that night with a diagnosis and a HEALTHY baby! So for now all I can say is 

"Thank you Lord and I will trust you"!